Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Life is a Gift

This blog post is way overdue. With that said, I will explain why that is. Pardon me if my thoughts and words seem jumbled; I am doing my best to hold back tears, though I have shed so many already.

My heart has once again been ripped in two. Dakota, our 5 year old pit-bull we rescued from the Oregon Humane Society, died today. Lymphoma had slowly been destroying her body. That day I took her to the vet in December was one of the worst days of my life; I cried as much that day and the days following, as I am crying tonight. She was the best dog I had ever known and she loved us unconditionally. Tim and I were truly blessed to have her in our lives.

I came home from work today and Dakota wasn't there to greet me with toy-in-mouth. Neither was she running down the hallway howling her own special hello to me, announcing to Tim that I was home. I cried on the spot. Tim walked in at the opportune moment to hug me and cry along with me - yes, he is not afraid to cry! He and I are doing our best to remember the positive things about our dog and not dwell on the fact that she's gone, but her absence is so difficult to endure.

I miss her cold nose on my face, slobbery jowls resting on my leg, and her wet, messy kiss on my chin she so freely gave. Granted, she could be an oddity at times, which earned her the nickname 'Bozo', but that only made her more special to us. Though she was a pet, at the same time she was like our child; we took her everywhere with us that we could. We even packed an extra chair just for her on all of our camping trips. You may think it somewhat freakish that I said she was like our child, but, she was to us.

I could keep going on about Dakota because there is so much to say. But I want to talk about when my heart broke for the first time, about what it feels like to have your heart ache.

Tim and I don't have any kids of our own yet. We would have had our first one on June 25th, 2011. I can't ask why, or blame myself, because I honestly do not know; it is just one of those things. Only a woman who has gone through a miscarriage, or lost a child in another way, can truly understand what this feels like. My heart begins to ache and tears flood my eyes, but I know that my baby is forever safe from this world. Not a day goes by that I don't think about this child I would've had, because my life has been forever changed in a way I didn't think possible.

There isn't anything else I want to say, because I want to keep those words for me. I just know that my heart has been broken twice now in such a small amount of time, I don't know what more I could take.